Growing Up
My
parents divorced when I was about 3 years old. As many know, having
divorced parents can really interfere with feeling secure and safe in
the world; it's such an awful thing hearing the mother and the father
speak ill of each other and attempt to win over the child's love. It
seems that many have a foggy vision as they search for a spouse; an
apparent example is how we tend to place too much emphasis on the
physical attractiveness of another, at the expensive of other attributes
which may contribute much more to our lasting happiness. My "dating
life" in high school was not very productive. I had the mindset typical
of a guy who wants so very much to be cool.
Lifestyle Changes
One
of my biggest fears has always been going through a divorce myself. A
few years ago I became active in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter
Day Saints, which has greatly affected my value of the family unit;
since then, my number one goal has been to have a happy family, where
such things as trust, communication, respect and compassion are
present. My dating patterns ever since have been much more productive
and fulfilling: I have enjoyed taking out girls and getting to know
them; some of the leaders of the Church encourage us to get to know a
variety of young ladies. Relationships can be so much freer when they
aren't solely based on physical aspects and bring unneeded tensions.
The Mission Impact
I
eventually went on a 2 year mission for the Church where I had many
different companions: other young men who were also full-time
missionaries; for 6-12 weeks at a time I would spend nearly every minute
with another missionary; this experience taught me many things. Here
are a couple that are pertinent to dating: learning what types of
personalities I have difficulty with, along with what attributes I
would most desire in someone that I'm constantly around. Sometime in
the last week or two of my mission (a time when I had a
very clear vision of what I was compatible with) I made a list of the
attributes I most desired in my future wife. Here is the list as far as
I can recall.
- Patient/Understanding - Patience and understanding are probably desirable by nearly anyone looking for a mate. It is typically not very productive to have a hot head who is unpredictable during times of conflict. I also feel it's rather easy for most of us to close off others' perspectives, and so I appreciate those who put forth effort to be understanding.
- Open communication/Willing to Compromise -
It became clear to me on my mission, that it can be very challenging to talk productively about hard topics/conflicts; however, I also was able to see the value in being able to discuss the "tough things." Furthermore, I enjoyed having companions that were willing to discuss and potentially compromise on decisions. - Let things go/easy going - My absolute favorite companions were able to simply let things go: when someone made a mistake, they wouldn't attack them verbally or seek to punish them for the mistake; my favorite companions were able to move on without making others feel bad.
- "Different" - This is a hard one to put into words, and I'll try not to water it down with my explanation. I think I'm drawn to people that are a little bit different than the average bear. I haven't thought about it consciously, but these are a few possibly reasons: perhaps they tend to be less prideful; perhaps I feel less threatened when I'm around people who are not cookie cutters; I feel freer to be myself.
- Fun - I like laughing; I also like swimming and dancing.
- Hard Working - There is no replacement for this quality. In this life, we often have to do things we may not want to. Additionally, we need to be willing to stick with things. I believe this trait becomes very visible when there are kids involved: it's not easy to care for them 24/7.
Dating After the Mission
When
I returned home from my mission, I knew dating would be a high
priority. In my past (which consisted of mostly unproductive dating
patterns and experiences), I noticed my tendency to lean towards or
"settle" for the first thing that came along: some of us (particularly
when we're young) tend to get comfortable and attached to someone
without surveying our options or having a very clear perspective.
Thus, my biggest worry was that I might get "tricked" or "distracted"
and end up marrying someone I would regret. And since I believe
marriage is the most important decision we can make, as it will impact
virtually every phase of our life, I definitely didn't want to mess this
one up. Prior to finishing my mission, I made some goals for when I
returned home; among these I set a goal of taking at least 10 different
girls on a date: this was one way I thought to combat the possibility of
a disaster. When I got off my mission, I didn't waste any time asking
girls out. Considering that I just came off my mission, and that I was
weary of getting tricked, I was mostly analytical of the girls I took on
dates: rather than feeling much affection for any of the ladies, I was
mostly assessing their attributes. All of the girls I took out were
nice, and probably had good standards.
Many First Dates
Typically
I didn't see myself as highly compatible with them, and so I didn't
take any of them out on a second date, with one exception: Ma'ila
(pronounced my-eela.) She was the only one I took out a second time.
Apparently she really liked me at first, but of course I wasn't busy
getting attached to her, because I was focused and being "careful." And
plus, I had to hit my goal of taking at least 10 girls out . . . The
weekend of our first planned date I end up getting sick and had to
reschedule twice with her; I incidentally may have appeared to be "hard
to get." The night of our first date was the opening game for the
Diamondbacks . . . so that's what we did. We met a cool couple sitting
behind us; after a few minutes, we moved back to sit with them. We had a
good time chatting with them. Nothing spectacular happened on our
first date, but I didn't drop Ma'ila, and apparently she didn't drop me
either yet.
Although
I saw her somewhat frequently (Sundays at church, Mondays at weekly
Church activities, and then any other activity or time we hung out,) I
still kept her somewhat at bay (as I would any other lady.)
A Big Decision
We
dated for a few weeks; all the while I continued to take out new
girls. Although I definitely saw us as being very compatible, I didn't
see any logical reason why I would solely date one person at the
moment. It is certainly good to get to know multiple people, so why
would I limit myself? I wrestled with myself over this decision and it
was a difficult decision to make; it could have easily gone either way,
but it felt right to try dating her exclusively. Of course she
accepted my proposal (because, somewhat unbeknownst to me, she had a
huge crush on me.) The best part was a few days later: at about 7pm one
night we were about to depart from our date. I started chewing a piece
of gum . . . and I offered her one . . . and then we kind of kissed;
neither of us was very smooth, and it ended up being pretty
awkward. Don't worry though: we have since come to enjoy the kisses.
Going for It
During
this "exclusive dating time", it became more apparent that
(analytically) this girl seemed she would make a great wife &
mother. We dated exclusively for about 6 weeks or so and then we had an
interesting talk or two. We talked about some hard subjects; this
ended up being a great point in our relationship. This communication
really helped us to grow closer to each other. On my mission it was
very much impressed upon me how much impact good communication can have
on a relationship. This ended up being a rather pivotal point in our
relationship; afterwards I was able to establish more of a connection
with her, and let myself get more "attached" to her. I felt good about
my choice and could move on with our life together. The next couple
months were neat; it became clearer this was the girl I wanted to
marry. Ma'ila's sisters (whom I'm very tight with) eventually showed me
an engagement ring online that Ma'ila had bookmarked as one of her
favorites, which made choosing a ring easy. Now I just had to get
permission from her parents (and of course think of a cute way to
propose to her so she wouldn't say no.)
A Special Night
I
told Ma'ila's parents I needed to talk to them alone. We went out to a
Mexican Food Restaurant. Even though these people are my best friends,
I was still very nervous about asking them to marry their daughter: I
think the world of Ma'ila, and also her parents; I see Ma'ila high on a
pedestal, and I'm just Mitchell, an average guy. After a few minutes of
chit chat, I finally said "I'd like to marry your daughter." And I
will never forget what happened next . . . Ma'ila's dad said "Really?
That's awesome" and then turned to his wife and said "We were hoping you
would." This melted my heart: here are two of the most wonderful
people, and they want me to marry their daughter. The rest of
the dinner we talked a lot about how great Ma'ila is and they talked
of when we first met; it was neat hearing things from their
perspective. I still tear up sometimes when I think back to that night.
Her
parents spoke of how easy she is to please; she is nearly always
happy. This is one of my favorite qualities in Ma'ila: she has an
amazing ability to continuously feel happy; she is content with whatever
circumstances she is in. Ma'ila's job is a perfect example of this:
she works with Special Ed kids that are pretty severe, no doubt one of
the toughest jobs out there, yet she is so pleasant every time I
pick her up from work. They also said that "Ma'ila will love you for
all of eternity." She has such a capacity to love unconditionally.
Prepping for the Proposal
As
for the proposal plan: the last weekend in July I was invited to go on a
campout with Ma'ila's family (by the way, I absolutely love her family;
they are some of the greatest people I've ever been around and surely
have contributed to who Ma'ila has become.) The weekend before the
campout I went with my dad and stepmom to Mexico (to get my teeth
cleaned for cheap) and Yuma (for a wedding reception.) My plan was to
get at least 7 gifts for Ma'ila, and give her one each day during the
following week; then on Saturday morning I would take Ma'ila for a walk
on the campout and propose to her. While I was in Mexico I used my
great bargaining skills and battled with the Mexicans to
get some cool gifts at good prices. Over the course of the next week, I
gave her a random cute gift from Mexico each day, to which she was
always gracious (one of Ma'ila's strongest 'love languages' is gifts.) I
felt pretty good about setting her up for the next weekend.
When I arrived at the reception in Yuma, there was a beautiful
surprise waiting for me: Ma'ila's mom brought Ma'ila to Yuma for the
reception! (Which apparently was done on a whim: she got Ma'ila out of
work early in order to bring Ma'ila and still make it on time to the
reception.) My favorite part of that night was dancing with Ma'ila;
I've never had so much fun dancing with someone before: I feel like
we're pretty sweet dancing partners (by the way, at one of the weekly
church activities, we had learned how to swing dance!)
The Campout
During
the 3 hour drive up to the campout, I was pretty nervous actually. The
campout ended up being such a relaxing thing for me; it was wonderful
to be out in Nature and to be with some of the most amazing people in
the world. A funny note: all of Ma'ila's family knew that I was going
to propose to her that weekend except for Ma'ila herself. On Saturday
morning (during the sunrise) we went for a walk and read some
scriptures; then I told her to close her eyes (because it's time for her
"daily gift.") When she opened them, rather than receiving some random
item from Mexico, she opened her eyes to me proposing to her! . . . And
she did say yes.
I like Ma'ila
She
has such a pure heart: even when it is hard she is willing to speak the
truth. I highly value her willingness to communicate how she thinks
or feels about something. Ma'ila is able to speak her mind in a very
caring, respectful and non judgmental way. If two people want to
do different things, she is extremely willing to compromise (to the
point where I have to be careful not to take advantage of it and neglect
her needs.) She also sees the good in everyone; Regardless of others'
moods or the current situation, she gives people the benefit of the
doubt. If I'm in a grumpy mood, rather than treating me accordingly,
she still sees me as being great and loves me anyway. Ma'ila has a
great ability to recognize patterns in her life that can be improved,
and she makes the changes (often quietly.) Ma'ila is the sweetest
person I've ever met. She gets sweeter every day; and it's not a fake
sweetness: she is extremely down to earth and doesn't pretend.
Ma'ila
is extremely patient: another quality that makes life soooo much
easier. She doesn't get frustrated nearly ever; if she ever does
get slightly grumpy, all one must do is be nice to her and continue
living life, and then she'll often break out of it within moments. Even
if she is grumpy, most people wouldn't even notice because she still
retains her kindness and is willing to help others.
Ma'ila
is so fun; I never thought I'd find a girl that likes swimming more
than me! She is able to laugh at herself and laugh at funny scenarios
without getting defensive; her sense of humor is great: I find myself
laughing at her pretty regularly; I have come to thoroughly enjoy her
laugh. Between the two of us, we have a lot of fun.
Ma'ila
is very laid back and able to 'let things go.' Rather than holding a
grudge or retaliating, she just moves on. She won't pin you if you make
a mistake: she'll give you room to allow you to change; this makes for a
much more stress free life. It's unfortunate when someone hones in on
your weaknesses/differences (which generally only makes the situation
more stressful.) Ma'ila is extremely easy going. One of my favorite
companions (Elder Michael Acord) from my mission was also very easy
going; it is one part of the Polynesian culture I have come to really
enjoy.
Ma’ila
is extremely mindful of others and willing to help them at nearly any
cost; she simply does what is needed. She has such an eye for seeing
opportunities to help others. She is so concerned with fulfilling
others' needs.
And Life Goes On . . .
I've
only been married to Ma'ila for a couple of weeks, and I can foresee
myself appreciating her more and more as life goes on; I think it will
become more and more evident how great of a decision this was. This
isn't to say we won't have difficulties: we have very similar core
values and plenty to build on, but in some aspects we're still very
different (you could say our relationship is very "complimentary.") The
key is that we are committed to get through 'it' together. It is
certainly surprising that I met my wife only 5 1/2 months before we got
married; in spite of this, my decision to marry her was not one that was
made hastily or on the whim.
